really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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