Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
