I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
where are you?
Hypothermia
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Randomize
