My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
