Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
