I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
