his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
we should paint friendship bongs
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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