I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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