I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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