Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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