someone threw a dead crab at me
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
And the cops told us we were all naked.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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