I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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