so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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