I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize