and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
