Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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