How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Randomize
