I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
