there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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