of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
