please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
