Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
