SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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