I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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