So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
