oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
