I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
