I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
