This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
