I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I think I won the penis lottery.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
