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my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
They should really pass out barf bags in church
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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