Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
