dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
