Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
