I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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