He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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