I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
