whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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