I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
