Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
