Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Randomize
