You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize