So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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