Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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