i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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