you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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