my phone needs a breathalizer
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
We're too hungover to prance.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize