people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
