my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
