tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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