mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He felt like a one man threesome
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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