After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
