Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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