matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I cannot find my penis.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
