proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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