I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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