fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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