I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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