he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Girls should come with a carfax report
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
