So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
its not stalking. its research.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
