In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Jerry, you need to find god
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
