i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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