dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
