they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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