thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize