Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
